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"Your Mother" Jokes are a Serious Offense in Court
Summary: sometimes i hate myself a little; prompt found in Part Fifteen, page ~4
Thalassa Gramarye moved with the softness of silk, laughed with the brightness of the sun, voiced with the beauty of the moon, and her eyes packed a whallop like getting’ hit by a two-ton police car in the middle of the night with more force than the gavel slamming down on a guilty sentence. Or, so said Klavier Gavin in his new song, Prisoner of Love. Which, in Apollo’s opinion, sounded like every other love song out there with a cheesy overdone title, but that might be his bitter opinion because his former sorta-not-really boyfriend was dating his mother. Who was planning to release a duet with her later.
“You’re just bitter, Polly,” Trucy assured, helping him fix his vest before the trial, which was an absolutely serious case, if it hadn’t been for the fact that it was about the theft from a parrot. Not even about someone stealing a parrot, no, but someone stealing the seeds from a parrot. Even a parrot has rights, said the great famous lawyer and now his really scary new boss, Phoenix Wright.
All in all, Trucy had taken their relationship rather well, and still had not removed the majority of Klavier’s posters from throughout the house. She even had his autographed picture still stickied to the bottom of the plastic spaghetti, and had taken a deep fondness in calling Klavier as “Second Daddy.”
Which, in Apollo’s opinion, was absolutely disturbing.
“Is the defense ready?” the judge asked loudly, apparently for the second time.
“Oh! Oh, yes, absolutely,” Apollo said, hastily laughing and smoothing back down his hair.
“You seem distracted today,” the judge said. “Back in my day, it was important to pay attention in the court.”
It wasn’t as if Apollo was trying to zone off, but it was very disturbing to have his mother hanging over Klavier right across from him.
“Good luck,” she mouthed, but her words were broken off when Klavier suddenly reached over and took her by the chin.
“Fraulein,” he said deeply, his eyes sparkling. His hair kept in the golden curls, and Apollo could almost feel the breath of his almost-sorta-not-really-former boyfriend. And that smirk! “I wish that you would keep your eyes on me. Ah, petty jealous, is it...? With one strong hand, calloused from the guitar, he wound his hand around Thalassa’s hair and kissed it lightly, eyes never taken off from her lightly blushing face. He leaned in even further.
“Can… Can we get started?” Apollo said, suddenly slamming down the papers. He cleared his throat. “This is a very important case. Very important.”
“Ah, yes,” Klavier said, “I had forgotten about you, Herr Forehead.”
“And I would like to request that we should keep it professional in court,” Apollo said, his voice raising several octaves higher until it sounded like he was adamantly squeaking at Klavier. Unfortunately, Klavier chuckled, putting his hand to his forehead as if Apollo’s was all of life’s dismay.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I must have been taken away… by love.” He put his hand on Thalassa’s, as she smiled and blushed.
“Ah, yes,” the judge said. “I remember my first love. Why—“
“Will the prosecution call the first witness to the stand?” Apollo said loudly.
“Yes, it’s time to get this party started.” Klavier swiped his hair once, and then prepared his air riff. At the end of a short tune, he pointed to the witness stand. “Calling the kind Detective to the stand.”
Apollo could barely listen to the detective because he was watching his mother smile, glitter, and turn in Klavier’s direction. Klavier noticed, and he touched her hand gently, smiling into her beautiful face.
“—and then at 5:30, two gunshots were heard inside the pet store—“
“OBJECTION!”
Apollo stood there for another stern moment before realizing he was the one who had been shouting. But at least Klavier and his mother were torn away now, and he cleared his throat impatiently.
“Was it,” he said. “Was it really 5:30?”
“Er, yes, sir, I believe it—“
“Think clearly!” Apollo shuffled his papers, before realizing he had actually taken several of Trucy’s flyers for her magic panties show instead of his own. “Wasn’t it really 5:29?” he demanded hotly instead.
“OBJECTION!” Klavier brushed his hair from his forehead. “I don’t believe harassment is allowed in court. Please ask Herr Forehead to have a direct—“
“Well, I don’t believe harassment of my mother is allowed in court!” Apollo shot back, pointing heroically despite the phrase.
“Harassment? Oh, no,” Thalassa began, putting her pale hands on her lovely neck. “You’ve misunderstood—“
“Your mother jokes? This is a serious offense,” the judge said.
“I’m afraid you have it all wrong,” Klavier said, “for what this is—“ Now he put his hand on Thalassa’s shoulder. “Is nothing but love. Ever since the moment I heard her stunning voice—ah, yes—surely, the melodies in the air—“
“Well, what about my lovely voice? I have a lovely voice too!” Apollo felt his face growing hotter as he stared intensely at his former sorta-not-really boyfriend. “I practice my Chords of Steel every morning!”
“Yeah,” he heard Trucy pipe from the side, “and it wakes up the neighbors every morning, too.”
“Ah, but just imagine, Herr Forehead. To be alone in a crowded club, sipping the specialty mushroom drink, and suddenly—a song! Quite a lovely song, every note so pure, so delicate, holding into the air for just the moment—“ Klavier held up his fingers, and then sighed happily.
“I can’t accept this!” Apollo slammed down his hands on the court.
“Apollo,” his mother said, surprised.
“Apollo,” Trucy said, shocked.
“Herr Forehead,” Klavier said, stunned.
“SQUAWK!” the parrot said, hungry.
“You’re dating my mother! Isn’t that awkward? Isn’t this awkward?” he pleaded to Trucy, before turning back to Klavier. “I mean, you’ve been hitting on my amnesiac, blind mother!”
“I promise to treat her well,” Klavier said. “She has been nothing but happy, I would hope. Fraulein, have you been?”
“Yes,” she said, “Happier than I’ve been for a while. But… I suppose this has blinded me to my own son’s wishes. Apollo, if it is your wish, then I won’t date Klavier anymore. Not if it disturbs you, to this extent…”
“No, it’s not.” Apollo sighed deeply. “It’s not like that, it’s just.”
“It’s just?” Klavier prodded.
“I thought what we had was special!” Apollo shouted, again pointed heroically at Klavier, as if he had justice on his side. His face was stern, even against Klavier’s splutter.
“OBJECTION!” Klavier whipped his pointing finger immediately in Apollo’s direction. “What we… had? What was it, Herr Forehead, that we had?”
“We were sorta-kinda-not-really dating!” Apollo slammed his hands down on the court, face flushed. Trucy gasped, and her hat flew off in such surprise. Even Mr. Hat popped out to gasp, but that was all in the peanut gallery, so Apollo focused on Klavier’s shocked handsome really cool face oh man it was very cute and that jacket mmm.
“I’m. I’m sorry, Herr Forehead, run that by me again--?” Klavier leaned forward, as if he had been hard of hearing.
“I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!” Apollo shouted with his Chords of Steel.
“We were… dating?” Klavier looked at Thalassa for help, but oblivious to his looks, she sat there with a stunned expression on her face.
“Yes! Well, no. Kinda-not-really-sorta dating. It’s the same thing! Except different.” Apollo blushed and shuffled his feet, and restlessly went through his papers again.
“Yes, yes,” the judge said, munching on his popcorn. “Different, but the same.”
“I’m afraid that I wasn’t aware that we had been dating,” Klavier said. “Er, excuse me, Herr Forehead, kinda-not-really-sorta dating.”
“We… We exchanged looks!” Apollo blushed. “And you gave me an umbrella! When it was raining! And a jacket, when it was cold, and…”
“Wow, Second Daddy’s so cool,” Trucy said, cheering them on.
“I thought it was natural,” Klavier said. “It wasn’t even so unexpected, ja? That the prosecution and defense had some tension between them? Er, what was it--? Unnecessary emotions?”
“But I know you! I know about your brother, and how you really know English but you spice it up with random German words, and how you play with your band, and…”
“Well,” Klavier said, “We… can still be friends, ja?”
“Booooo,” Trucy cat-called from the peanut gallery. “Bad move, bad move!” Even the judge slowly shook his head, and penciled something down in his notebook. (What was he penciling down, anyway, Apollo though with a scowl, but there were just too many options to choose from.)
Apollo wiped away his tears angrily. “I’ve moved on long ago,” he said, “But that aside! I guess it’s just awkward to have my semi-former lover date my mother!”
“Ooh, it’s former sorta-kinda-not-really lover, not boyfriend, now?” Trucy whispered loudly to Mr. Hat. “Things are spicing up!”
“Apollo,” Thalassa said gently, and with her voice, it was a blanket of silence fell into the court. She smiled gently at him, and held out her hand. “Tell me honestly. In complete honesty,” she urged, “because I know when you lie. Are you truly against us dating?”
Apollo took a few moments to take some serious thought, pushing his forehead deeply. Finely, he cleared his throat. “I… I guess I want to see you happy. Mom. But, it’s just awkward, and… it’s awkward! I’m not ready to have a Second Daddy! Or… or even a first.” He looked uneasily at his mother. “Or… have a family. I’m just not used to this sort of thing! But… But I don’t want you to be unhappy either, Mom. I guess… I guess what I’m really trying to say is, that it’s okay. You can date Klavier.” He said the last part grudgingly, but he looked into his mother’s eyes when he said it.
“Apollo…” Her smile was warmfelt, and hit him like a three ton police car chasin’ a bad dude in a getaway robbery, or so said the Prisoner of Love by Klavier.
“Ja, I will attend all your PTA meetings,” Klavier assured, “and with our voices combined, we will support you.”
“Thanks,” Apollo said, sweating. “I think.” He looked down at the papers, and then realized that he had found his actual documents after all! “Uh, Judge, I’m sorry, but now I think we’re ready to—“
“Not—Not yet.” The judge was sobbing, great wallops of tears, and using a handkerchief to blow his nose loudly. “It’s just so beautiful—“ and then he began to wail loudly.
And it all ended happily ever after, or something like that. The parrot got the justice, Apollo won the court case, Klavier and Thalassa grew even closer, and from then on, Apollo was allowed to join in their dates if he so chose, even if it was a night of discussing classical rock while Trucy and his scary boss were playing Tic-Tac-Roses in the background, accompanied by some cat yowls.
Which, in Apollo’s opinion, was perfectly fine with him.
Thalassa Gramarye moved with the softness of silk, laughed with the brightness of the sun, voiced with the beauty of the moon, and her eyes packed a whallop like getting’ hit by a two-ton police car in the middle of the night with more force than the gavel slamming down on a guilty sentence. Or, so said Klavier Gavin in his new song, Prisoner of Love. Which, in Apollo’s opinion, sounded like every other love song out there with a cheesy overdone title, but that might be his bitter opinion because his former sorta-not-really boyfriend was dating his mother. Who was planning to release a duet with her later.
“You’re just bitter, Polly,” Trucy assured, helping him fix his vest before the trial, which was an absolutely serious case, if it hadn’t been for the fact that it was about the theft from a parrot. Not even about someone stealing a parrot, no, but someone stealing the seeds from a parrot. Even a parrot has rights, said the great famous lawyer and now his really scary new boss, Phoenix Wright.
All in all, Trucy had taken their relationship rather well, and still had not removed the majority of Klavier’s posters from throughout the house. She even had his autographed picture still stickied to the bottom of the plastic spaghetti, and had taken a deep fondness in calling Klavier as “Second Daddy.”
Which, in Apollo’s opinion, was absolutely disturbing.
“Is the defense ready?” the judge asked loudly, apparently for the second time.
“Oh! Oh, yes, absolutely,” Apollo said, hastily laughing and smoothing back down his hair.
“You seem distracted today,” the judge said. “Back in my day, it was important to pay attention in the court.”
It wasn’t as if Apollo was trying to zone off, but it was very disturbing to have his mother hanging over Klavier right across from him.
“Good luck,” she mouthed, but her words were broken off when Klavier suddenly reached over and took her by the chin.
“Fraulein,” he said deeply, his eyes sparkling. His hair kept in the golden curls, and Apollo could almost feel the breath of his almost-sorta-not-really-former boyfriend. And that smirk! “I wish that you would keep your eyes on me. Ah, petty jealous, is it...? With one strong hand, calloused from the guitar, he wound his hand around Thalassa’s hair and kissed it lightly, eyes never taken off from her lightly blushing face. He leaned in even further.
“Can… Can we get started?” Apollo said, suddenly slamming down the papers. He cleared his throat. “This is a very important case. Very important.”
“Ah, yes,” Klavier said, “I had forgotten about you, Herr Forehead.”
“And I would like to request that we should keep it professional in court,” Apollo said, his voice raising several octaves higher until it sounded like he was adamantly squeaking at Klavier. Unfortunately, Klavier chuckled, putting his hand to his forehead as if Apollo’s was all of life’s dismay.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I must have been taken away… by love.” He put his hand on Thalassa’s, as she smiled and blushed.
“Ah, yes,” the judge said. “I remember my first love. Why—“
“Will the prosecution call the first witness to the stand?” Apollo said loudly.
“Yes, it’s time to get this party started.” Klavier swiped his hair once, and then prepared his air riff. At the end of a short tune, he pointed to the witness stand. “Calling the kind Detective to the stand.”
Apollo could barely listen to the detective because he was watching his mother smile, glitter, and turn in Klavier’s direction. Klavier noticed, and he touched her hand gently, smiling into her beautiful face.
“—and then at 5:30, two gunshots were heard inside the pet store—“
“OBJECTION!”
Apollo stood there for another stern moment before realizing he was the one who had been shouting. But at least Klavier and his mother were torn away now, and he cleared his throat impatiently.
“Was it,” he said. “Was it really 5:30?”
“Er, yes, sir, I believe it—“
“Think clearly!” Apollo shuffled his papers, before realizing he had actually taken several of Trucy’s flyers for her magic panties show instead of his own. “Wasn’t it really 5:29?” he demanded hotly instead.
“OBJECTION!” Klavier brushed his hair from his forehead. “I don’t believe harassment is allowed in court. Please ask Herr Forehead to have a direct—“
“Well, I don’t believe harassment of my mother is allowed in court!” Apollo shot back, pointing heroically despite the phrase.
“Harassment? Oh, no,” Thalassa began, putting her pale hands on her lovely neck. “You’ve misunderstood—“
“Your mother jokes? This is a serious offense,” the judge said.
“I’m afraid you have it all wrong,” Klavier said, “for what this is—“ Now he put his hand on Thalassa’s shoulder. “Is nothing but love. Ever since the moment I heard her stunning voice—ah, yes—surely, the melodies in the air—“
“Well, what about my lovely voice? I have a lovely voice too!” Apollo felt his face growing hotter as he stared intensely at his former sorta-not-really boyfriend. “I practice my Chords of Steel every morning!”
“Yeah,” he heard Trucy pipe from the side, “and it wakes up the neighbors every morning, too.”
“Ah, but just imagine, Herr Forehead. To be alone in a crowded club, sipping the specialty mushroom drink, and suddenly—a song! Quite a lovely song, every note so pure, so delicate, holding into the air for just the moment—“ Klavier held up his fingers, and then sighed happily.
“I can’t accept this!” Apollo slammed down his hands on the court.
“Apollo,” his mother said, surprised.
“Apollo,” Trucy said, shocked.
“Herr Forehead,” Klavier said, stunned.
“SQUAWK!” the parrot said, hungry.
“You’re dating my mother! Isn’t that awkward? Isn’t this awkward?” he pleaded to Trucy, before turning back to Klavier. “I mean, you’ve been hitting on my amnesiac, blind mother!”
“I promise to treat her well,” Klavier said. “She has been nothing but happy, I would hope. Fraulein, have you been?”
“Yes,” she said, “Happier than I’ve been for a while. But… I suppose this has blinded me to my own son’s wishes. Apollo, if it is your wish, then I won’t date Klavier anymore. Not if it disturbs you, to this extent…”
“No, it’s not.” Apollo sighed deeply. “It’s not like that, it’s just.”
“It’s just?” Klavier prodded.
“I thought what we had was special!” Apollo shouted, again pointed heroically at Klavier, as if he had justice on his side. His face was stern, even against Klavier’s splutter.
“OBJECTION!” Klavier whipped his pointing finger immediately in Apollo’s direction. “What we… had? What was it, Herr Forehead, that we had?”
“We were sorta-kinda-not-really dating!” Apollo slammed his hands down on the court, face flushed. Trucy gasped, and her hat flew off in such surprise. Even Mr. Hat popped out to gasp, but that was all in the peanut gallery, so Apollo focused on Klavier’s shocked handsome really cool face oh man it was very cute and that jacket mmm.
“I’m. I’m sorry, Herr Forehead, run that by me again--?” Klavier leaned forward, as if he had been hard of hearing.
“I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!” Apollo shouted with his Chords of Steel.
“We were… dating?” Klavier looked at Thalassa for help, but oblivious to his looks, she sat there with a stunned expression on her face.
“Yes! Well, no. Kinda-not-really-sorta dating. It’s the same thing! Except different.” Apollo blushed and shuffled his feet, and restlessly went through his papers again.
“Yes, yes,” the judge said, munching on his popcorn. “Different, but the same.”
“I’m afraid that I wasn’t aware that we had been dating,” Klavier said. “Er, excuse me, Herr Forehead, kinda-not-really-sorta dating.”
“We… We exchanged looks!” Apollo blushed. “And you gave me an umbrella! When it was raining! And a jacket, when it was cold, and…”
“Wow, Second Daddy’s so cool,” Trucy said, cheering them on.
“I thought it was natural,” Klavier said. “It wasn’t even so unexpected, ja? That the prosecution and defense had some tension between them? Er, what was it--? Unnecessary emotions?”
“But I know you! I know about your brother, and how you really know English but you spice it up with random German words, and how you play with your band, and…”
“Well,” Klavier said, “We… can still be friends, ja?”
“Booooo,” Trucy cat-called from the peanut gallery. “Bad move, bad move!” Even the judge slowly shook his head, and penciled something down in his notebook. (What was he penciling down, anyway, Apollo though with a scowl, but there were just too many options to choose from.)
Apollo wiped away his tears angrily. “I’ve moved on long ago,” he said, “But that aside! I guess it’s just awkward to have my semi-former lover date my mother!”
“Ooh, it’s former sorta-kinda-not-really lover, not boyfriend, now?” Trucy whispered loudly to Mr. Hat. “Things are spicing up!”
“Apollo,” Thalassa said gently, and with her voice, it was a blanket of silence fell into the court. She smiled gently at him, and held out her hand. “Tell me honestly. In complete honesty,” she urged, “because I know when you lie. Are you truly against us dating?”
Apollo took a few moments to take some serious thought, pushing his forehead deeply. Finely, he cleared his throat. “I… I guess I want to see you happy. Mom. But, it’s just awkward, and… it’s awkward! I’m not ready to have a Second Daddy! Or… or even a first.” He looked uneasily at his mother. “Or… have a family. I’m just not used to this sort of thing! But… But I don’t want you to be unhappy either, Mom. I guess… I guess what I’m really trying to say is, that it’s okay. You can date Klavier.” He said the last part grudgingly, but he looked into his mother’s eyes when he said it.
“Apollo…” Her smile was warmfelt, and hit him like a three ton police car chasin’ a bad dude in a getaway robbery, or so said the Prisoner of Love by Klavier.
“Ja, I will attend all your PTA meetings,” Klavier assured, “and with our voices combined, we will support you.”
“Thanks,” Apollo said, sweating. “I think.” He looked down at the papers, and then realized that he had found his actual documents after all! “Uh, Judge, I’m sorry, but now I think we’re ready to—“
“Not—Not yet.” The judge was sobbing, great wallops of tears, and using a handkerchief to blow his nose loudly. “It’s just so beautiful—“ and then he began to wail loudly.
And it all ended happily ever after, or something like that. The parrot got the justice, Apollo won the court case, Klavier and Thalassa grew even closer, and from then on, Apollo was allowed to join in their dates if he so chose, even if it was a night of discussing classical rock while Trucy and his scary boss were playing Tic-Tac-Roses in the background, accompanied by some cat yowls.
Which, in Apollo’s opinion, was perfectly fine with him.